Part IV

In case you missed them:
Part I
Part II
Part III

Whew….this is a heart workout!

So…..it came time to wait! For whatever reason (this is something I want to research)….they liked to schedule the procedure between 8 & 12 weeks.

I don’t recall much about this time except that I took a trip to Italy with my high school choir while I was still pregnant. My mother went with us. I got soooo incredibly sick. I attributed it to motion sickness because we did so much traveling that day. I wanted SOOO bad to share with my Mom but I knew if I told anyone I wouldn’t be able to stomach going through with the procedure and would surely ruin my boyfriends life. Ironically, I thought I was being selfless. It was a sad trip for me.

The long anticipated day arrived. It was dreadful. My boyfriend drove me to the clinic and walked me inside. I made him check me in. I immediately sat down in the chair closest to the door….it was as far as I could go at the moment. I brought my knees up to my chest and buried my head.

When he returned to my side he asked, “Are you okay?”

“Are you serious? No I’m not okay.” It was all I could say…..my stomach was churning. I sat there, head buried, tears streaming down my face until they called my name.

I don’t remember anything about the preparation or the procedure. The recovery room I remember vividly. For whatever reason, I remember this more than anything else about the whole situation.

I lay in my bed still groggy from the anesthetic, awoken to girls laughing. It made me want to vomit. I was so repulsed by their flippancy. They were laughing and carrying on and making friends with the girls in the bed next to them. I felt so alone…..so isolated…..like I was the strange one for feeling so bad about what I had done. I just remember being so confused.

I did not grow up in church. I did not come to know the Lord until I was 20 years old. It was not because of my relationship with Christ that I was overcome with guilt.

I think this is very important. There are so many people out there who claim that there is no such thing as Post Abortion Syndrome. They say that it is something made up by the Pro-Life community to scare women. I am here to tell you that they are CRAZY! I knew nothing of what I was actually doing. I had no idea that I was killing a living being or what my choice was costing and yet my heart still screamed with guilt. I believe that God has written the Truth on our hearts.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" (Psalm 139:13-16)

I believe that those who say they have not experienced any remorse or any sort of PAS are lying to themselves or have suppressed those feelings and will one day be confronted with them.

I was sent on my way and so my boyfriend took me to the only place I could recover without questions….his workplace. At that time he was a ranch-hand and the ranch had a bunk house. I stayed curled up there for the remainder of the day. I felt like the world had stopped turning. I felt as though life should come to a halt….that he should be so overwhelmed with grief that he would need the afternoon to recover with me. I was wrong. His day carried on as any other. It was the beginning of a very dark period in my life.

The idea that I would feel so much better after the event had taken place was proving to be so far from reality.

Hmmmm

So.....I just thought it was really strange that a handful of people have landed on my site after searching for "dog girl"......I'm not sure I want to know.

The doctor!

I thought I would send an update (and a prayer request) while I am waiting on my pics to download......which takes forever these days with this DSLR and its monster files.

So, we had Sam's 2 year and Spence's 4 month well check today.

Spencer is a growing boy! He is 17 lbs, 27" long. He is off the charts in height which didn't surprise me because people have been telling me for quite some time now that he is long! I don't know that kind of stuff.....he's my kid so he just seems normal to me!

Everything was good with Sam but we did have some issues that needed to be addressed. I am sure that most of you are aware of her "problems". All of this GI stuff has been going on for so long and we were ready for some answers.

To get answers you have to get blood. He needed to run quite a few tests just to make sure he covered all the bases. More tests= more blood. This was a problem. They dug around on both arms trying to draw blood and came up virtually empty. It was AWFUL! I felt HORRIBLE! Now, we have to go downtown to the Cook's lab and let them try. She apparently has teensy weensy veins in addition to them being rolley polley! It is heartbreaking and sooo hard for a Mama to watch.

She also has an ultrasound on Thursday so just pray that all goes well and that all of this will turn up something to give us some answers. She is a trooper! She was really AMAZING today even in the midst of all that. (Oh ya, and they had to give her 2 injections after all that other mess)!

Anyway, just wanted to update you. I know many of you have been asking how all of that is going with her so I will keep you informed. Thank you for all of your prayers!

Funnies!

This a post for any of you who would like an inside glimpse at a couple of things that make me smile about my Sami but it is written that my feeble mind not be responsible for remembering.

-I have come to learn some things that I say on a regular basis that I had NO idea I was saying. You surprised me one day after Bub started coughing by saying, "goodness Bubba." Ha, it was stinking funny to here you say that. Now it is said any time he coughs or chokes or anything. It is hilarious because you sound so grown up! (and I now realize that I say that a LOT....wow)

-This could be one of my all time favorites..... Nini taught you about the "tickle finger." You will now come up to me with that finger a wagging and say "TICKLE PINGER!" It is sooooo funny. I laugh so hard and it works out great because you think I am laughing because you are tickling me. You can't get those F's out so it is just CA-UTE!

-You and Connor are the BEST of friends. I have never seen any kiddos this tiny be such great friends. Anyhow......Connor's name for you has evolved from Mara to Mia. It is super cute that he has a nickname for you. Apparently you like it as well because you will go around saying, "Connor's Mia. Sami Connor's Mia!!!!" How cute is that! You two love each other so much.

There are so many but these are the ones that stick out in my mind right now. I love you baby girl!

Princess or NOT?????

Have you ever heard of the book The Princess And The Pea? (If you have not, you need to google it....it is short and sweet). It could have quite possibly been one of my all time favorite children's books. I am coming to the conclusion that it is because I could relate so well and it made me feel GOOD for being so finicky.

I have to say that people oustide of the fairytale land don't seem to think it is such an attractive character trait.

If you are pondering what some of these things might be.....I will inform you.

• I can NOT stand for water to be on my face. (my Dad passed this to me and I have passed it to Sam)
  
• I don't particularly like being wet at all.
• I can not sleep if their is even a single crumb in the bed. (oh, I am getting the chills just thinking about this one)
  
• I can't stand for the bottoms of my feet to be touched. (and it is the highlight of Josh's day to run his nails across the bottom of my feet.....gotta love 'em)
  
• I have to do the same things in the same way every single day. (for example I have a shower routine; wash hair, wash face, condition hair, wash body, shave)

I am sure there are more but, you get the point.

I am holding firm that these things make me a princess. : )

Oh, and while on that note......I have a question for you. During a game at our family Christmas (which is a whole other post in itself) there was the question...... Do you put both socks on and then both shoes or do you put one shoe on, one sock on and then one shoe and one sock? My brother made the statement that NO ONE puts on one sock and one shoe and then the other sock and shoe. He was wrong because I am that person.

Just curious what you do????????

Part III- Getting Harder & Harder

Part I
Part II

DISCIPLINE…..that’s what it is going to take for me to get through this. It is emotionally exhausting to recount this for the first time in its entirety. Please bear with me as the days tick by without additions to the story.

Now, where was I?

The details up until the day I arrived at the clinic are blurry. I honestly don’t remember making the call or figuring out where I was going to go. Somehow I knew that Planned Parenthood did abortions and that they didn’t require your parent’s permission. (Could it be the million-dollar marketing they target at teens?) It is very possible that I made him do all of the research, calling, etc. since it wasn’t what I wanted to do (that just sounds like something I would do)

I do recall sitting in the cubicle talking with one of the “counselors.” In retrospect, this is what makes me soooo angry. I recall the conversation for the most part…..this is basically how it went.

Counselor: “So, you are pregnant and don’t want to be. That is why you are here, right?”
Me: “Yes”
Counselor: “Are you aware of the options you have at this point?”
Me: “Yes” (even though I had NO clue, I just wanted to get outta there as quickly as possible)
Counselor: “And what option do you feel is best for you?”
Me: Eyes peeled to the ground, tears welling up inside….”abortion”.
Counselor: "It’s OK honey, I know this is hard but you need to do what is right for you. Does the father know?”
Me: “Yes, this was his idea.”
Counselor: “Is this what you want to do?”
Me: “I guess….I don’t really know what else I can do.”
Counselor: “Alright then, let’s set up an appointment. Who will be bringing you to the clinic?”
Me: “My boyfriend.”
Counselor: “OK, when you get here, you can park right next to the building in the spots closest to the front door. When you walk in you need to keep your head down and ignore the people at the end of the gate. They will try to entice you not to go forward with the procedure but what they will tell you are lies. Just do your best to pretend like they aren’t there”……. and the conversation continued with details about time and what to expect physically after the surgery, etc.

I don’t remember much after this….. the instructions about ignoring the people really frightened me and my mind raced elsewhere.

Can I just stop the story for a minute and discuss my frustrations with this? The lady never explained my options. When I said I knew what my options were she took my word for it and continued. This should not be allowed. They should be REQUIRED to walk you through each option available. I honestly believe (though I don’t want to take anything away from my responsibility in this) that if I had been given all the options that I would not have chosen abortion.

I also think they should be REQUIRED to reveal the exact procedure being performed. This in turn would require the mother to be privy to the fact that the child inside of her is already looking like a baby and has a beating heart. They should be required to tell you that the doctor will rip apart this child by its limbs and then suck its remains out with a vacuum. Did I know ANY of this? NO, NO, NO! I am angry that I was not told what they were going to do. I am angry that they fool MANY into choosing abortion.

If you were going in for knee surgery, would they not take x-rays, bring them into the exam room and show you what they saw? Wouldn’t they explain in detail the procedure they plan on performing so that you could make an informed decision? ABORTION is a secret because people don’t want to know the horrific details, they just want to be out of the situation they are in. Fewer people would choose this route if they were only informed! Our children deserve to know what an abortion really is BEFORE they are put in a position to have to make a decision about an unwanted pregnancy. (Though, for those of you who aren't aware, children are not the only ones having abortions. Single adults and even married women are as well.)

Case in point: I have a friend who also faced an unwanted pregnancy and she too chose to have an abortion. It was clear from the moment I was told that it was not up for discussion. After my abortion I ended up sharing with her that I had gone through the same thing. We ended up attending the same college. I will never forget one day I received a phone call from her telling me to stay away from the large grassy area in the middle of campus. She was FUMING. She could not believe that people had the audacity to put up a display of aborted babies. For whatever reason….I wanted to know. While I respected her viewpoint, I did not understand it. I was drawn to the exhibit. It was hard….very hard. For the FIRST time I was made aware of what my decision looked like in cold hard facts. I honestly remember telling myself that I had had my abortion long before the abortions depicted on the display; that I didn’t really have anything but tissue in there when I had the procedure.

I know now that I was wrong.

I was blinded by my desire to just get it over with….to return to a normal life. (Which NEVER happened, by the way)

Planned Parenthood has an agenda. Capitalize on the culture’s irresponsibility and carelessness. Abortions = HUGE Profits. They do NOT care about your well-being. (I realize that they are not the only ones who perform abortions but this is whom I can share about from experience.)

This is all I can handle at the moment. I shall continue the rest of the story soon.

Part IV

GROSGRAIN Gown

Isn't this amazing? Wouldn't this be the most amazing costume? I have always had a thing with period dresses. The gal over at GROSGRAIN sews up little girls clothing and then gives them away! WOW! She is giving this dress away.....yes....giving it away.....all made by hand! The girl doesn't even use patterns! I am truly in awe!

Feelin' kinda crafty!

So, I have been in a crafty mood lately! Yesterday I did 2 projects. If I can't finish something in a day, I'm not interested. It will sit in my "to be finished" pile for forever if I don't get it done the day I started. I guess you could say I like instant craft gratification.

Josh might hurt me if I bought any more craft stuff so I just used what I had.

First I made this pocket tissue holder. Isn't it cute? I saw this tutorial and thought.....that's easy, cute & functional! Doesn't get any better than that! Of course I couldn't just leave it be....I had to add the rick rack and star. I probably wouldn't have picked camo but that's what I had.


Ever since I got that fancy schmancy camera from my bro, my mind has been pondering a way to make it "cute". Isn't that silly? I knew I couldn't permanently alter it in any way so I had to think of something that was removable. I have seen cute camera straps before so here is what I made. It isn't just cute and removable (i.e. interchangeable) but it is also padded! I did make it a little short so I will have to lengthen the next one a bit but otherwise I am pretty happy with it!


Yay for my sewing machine!

Oh, and for those of you who are wondering how I took pictures of my camera when I lost my other one....... I have amazing friends. A box from Best Buy showed up at my doorstep with a very cool pocket camera tucked inside. WOW! I totally don't deserve that but am very grateful for it! Thank you!

Picture Overload

We MUST get out of the house today. Sam is getting cabin fever and driving me CRAZY! I don't know what we'll do......maybe the park?

Talked to to my Mom last night and my Grandma is doing MUCH better. Things were getting pretty scary there for a while. They are talking like they will let her go home today.

Just thought I'd share some of the latest pics.

At Mom's Touch this week we did a super cute craft (thanks, Jaclyn). They were family trees. We decorated them with pretty papers, pictures of the fam, buttons, ribbon, etc. CUTE! Anyway, a few mornings ago Sam ran into the kitchen when I was putting my clothes on. I came in and found this.....

This may not look so bad to you but then I saw this......

Yes, that would be all the buttons in her hand! The little stinker had pulled every button off the darn thing!

Little Man

This picture is soooo my serious Sam. Isn't is piercing? If looks could kill she would be in real trouble. I think she gets that from J. ; )

There were several of these......she was "posing" for me! She was cracking me up! She isn't normally such a willing subject!

This is before church on Sunday. We had her all dressed and then J gave her a powdered donut. Turned out like I expected.

Isn't is just the cutest when they find their feet? They are his favorite toy right now....he will not leave them alone.

Isn't he getting ridiculously chunky?

Here is my little monkey. She likes to jump on the bed. AND, the funny thing about this shot is that I caught her watching herself in the mirror while she jumped.

Our beautiful Maddie. Here you see her laying in the "box"...... or so Sami has named it. There is a big hole full of sand where we pulled up the pool. They both LOVE it! They think it is just a huge sandbox for their enjoyment!

Maybe tomorrow

I was planning to post a bunch of pictures but my computer crashed while the pictures were uploading. I am tired and I know Little Man will be wanting to eat in the middle of the night so I am going to get some sleep. I will try to post the pics tomorrow.

Part II

If you missed it, here is Part I.

I am telling my story because if I don't, Satan will prevail! That alone is where I find the courage. I am stubborn. Thank you God for my stubbornness in this situation.

He was my boyfriend. We had been dating for over a year by this time. As a 17 year old girl I was the one who thought, "It will never happen to me." I knew lots of other girls who were "doing it" and they never had any problems. Or so I told myself.

Isn't it funny how we believe what we see? Trust me when I tell you that what you see is not how it is. I did a great job at hiding it myself. There was no way anyone would know my secret....not even my very best friends.

I will never forget the day I found out that my life would never be the same....it is crystal clear, as if it were only yesterday. I sat in his bathroom. I had stealthily snuck a pregnancy test off the shelf at the local grocery store. Test in hand, I collapsed on the floor, acknowledging the dreaded result. I sobbed. No one was home but the two of us and he was outside tending to the horses. I was all alone and that's how I wanted it....I was terrified.

After regaining composure somewhat, I called for him. I had him sit down in the easy chair in the living room. I handed him the test, trying my best to contain my emotions. He looked at me, "what does that mean?" I choked out the words, "I'm pregnant" before losing it. A full blown panic attack ensued. The weight of the world was on my shoulders.

He never got angry. I was taken aback by his calm demeanor. I was beginning to think that everything was going to be OK. And then came the words....."don't worry about it, we'll take care of it." That did not console me. In fact, I burned with anger inside. I knew what those words meant and until that moment that option had not crossed my mind. I had always dreamed of being a parent. While I was not expecting this experience at such an early age, I had already begun to accept that it was what it was.

As I lay there curled in the fetal position my mind raced. I thought of anything I could do to keep THAT from happening. His parents had lost his only sibling when she was only 3. I knew if I told them I was pregnant, they would never allow THAT to happen. Should I go behind his back? And then what would they think? What if they agreed with his decision?

Could I parent this child on my own? I knew he would never marry me. I would be ruining his opportunity to fulfill his lifelong dream if I did not concede. What would my parents say? What would they tell their friends? Did this mean I would have to work and my baby would have to go to daycare? Would anyone ever want to marry me? The questions were endless.

To be continued......

Part III

Crazy Week!

Things have been crazy this week.....I don't know why it has seemed so crazy....probably because I was out of my "routine" for so many days! I don't do so well when I get out of my routine!

Monday Josh was home. (nuf said)

Tuesday my sister-in-law went into the hospital for low fluids so I had to go to Mom's to spend the night in case I had to leave at some crazy hour. (which I didn't, thankfully)

Wednesday I headed up to the hospital with Spencer....they were starting the induction @ 5am. My Mom is wonderful and offered to keep Sam. Sam and small cramped spaces don't mix very well.

At 3:57 my niece, Lexi Kay was born! (and believe it or not, her delivery was very similiar to mine..... 2 pushes and she was outta there!) I got to experience the whole thing....I love it! I was in the room with Levi's birth also......there is just something about witnessing a life enter this world that is AWESOME! Josh made it back from OK just in time for Lexi to be born.

Thursday my grandmother went into the hospital for possible meningitis....they still weren't sure the last time I heard. It was Mom's day to keep Balin so guess who got to step in..... ME. I didn't think I would mind but OHHHH those two! They never cease to amaze me in finding stuff to get into! They are a mess when their together! Josh had to go back to OK for appointments he had already set up.....ugh.

Friday Josh got back home. We went to Joey & Melissa's to see baby Lexi.....they are so much cuter a few days later! For those of you who don't know.....Joey is Josh's brother. Samara and their first, Levi are 4 months apart and Spencer and Lexi are 4 months apart! It is fun!

Friday night we headed to some friends to have dinner and some fellowship! There were 3 couples and 5 kids under 4! Whew! Samara had a 30 minute nap in the car on the way to Joey and Melissa's so we were worried! She sat in her room for 2 hours but would NOT go to sleep! Anyway, she was surprisingly GREAT! We stayed over there until 10:30! Yes, you read that right. Way past our bedtime and WAAAYYY past Sam's! In fact, Sami is still asleep and it is 7:15 am! WOW!

Tonight we are supposed to have a bonfire with our Sunday School group!

Revealing the reason

God has been asking me to do this for some time now but I guess you could say that I have been ignoring Him because....I DON'T WANT TO!

You all need to know that there is a reason I am such an advocate for life.....why I HATE abortion and on occasion voice my disgust with it.

My desire has never been to condemn or hurt anyone.... if statistics are correct (1 in 3 women will have an abortion).....some of you have experienced this horrific procedure personally.

I am among those women.

I am ashamed......I wish I could say that I am not.....that I know I am forgiven and forgiveness releases you from the debt of all sin. The shame never goes away....at least it hasn't for me over the past 10 years. The guilt never leaves me. The what-ifs are still there. I am certain the pain will reside in my heart forever.

BUT, God has given me a purpose.

To educate. To inform. To help. I want people to know what all the "pro-choice" people don't tell you and the "pro-life" people likely aren't even aware of. Experience lends perspective.

I have so much to tell you but it deserves far more than one post! Among my usual posts you can expect to see a series of posts about my story. I pray that telling my story will in turn encourage others to share theirs. I also pray that revealing my heart will allow some who are faced with an unwanted pregnancy make a more informed decision.

Part II
Part III
Part IV

Please pray for Jordan

I have expressed my heartache about sweet Jordan before here. If you have not been following my blog, she is a four year old little girl battling leukemia. It has been a rough journey and it is getting worse. Please pray as she has been moved to ICU for a number of reasons. Everyone is concerned.

Please don't be misled by his claims.....research truth!