This was for real. This was not some fiction novel I was writing. These were my feelings, raw & uncensored.
I want to share some of what I found with you. I think it's important for people to see inside the head of a teenage girl who grew up in a great family but didn't know the Lord. Just consider as you read this that someone you might know might be feeling the very same way. Don't forget that you never really know what is going on with someone. Don't forget that you have an opportunity to make a difference in someone's life.
Jan 31, 1999
|This was right around the time of the entries. Do I look like I have anything to worry about? Boy what I would give to look like that again!|
My brain feels like a brain on drugs. I remember VERY little. I have a difficult time remembering to get my daughter something to drink when she has asked me only 5 minutes earlier so the rest of my life is pretty much a blur. I have often wondered what I thought of God before I knew him. I wondered if I even thought about it or what I thought about the "Christians" at school or if I even gave it all a second thought. This entry answered some of those questions, at least at this point in my life. As you will see, this was 9 months later & I was still struggling with the same things.
October 15, 1999
I wish I knew how to have all the confidence in the world. I envy Shelby so much sometimes. She is so confident in herself. There is no one that could break her down. I just don't understand! I don't know how to have that. People that are confident in themselves do not understand what it's like to be someone like me. They take for granted that they are happy with their life. The worst part about the whole things is, I am terrified to have children. What if they turn out to have the same problems I do? Those poor babies, I could never wish it upon anyone. I think it has to be worse than being blind or deaf, or having cancer, because at least those people care if they live or die! The have something to look forward to even after they die, & what do I have? I don't have any idea, because I am completely uneducated in religion! Do you go anywhere if you don't know if you believe? I'm sure that question will remain unanswered because no matter how many times I have tried, have asked, have wanted to learn, it just hasn't happened. How are you supposed to believe when you don't know how? How are you supposed to ask for help when you don't know how to pray? It's so amazing all the things that are running through my head. It seems like I go through the same thoughts & questions day after day.
It's obvious that I wrestled with the bigger questions about life but I always came up empty handed. I think the term "lost" for those who aren't saved is a perfect description. I was LOST. It wasn't that I didn't want to find my way, I did....desperately. It was simply that I didn't know which way to turn or where to look. Thankfully a little over a year later the Lord CHASED ME DOWN!
I honestly feel like the Lord kept telling me to post this. My flesh did not want people to see this part of me....even if it was a long time ago. I believe that someone needed to read this. If that someone was you, please feel free to contact me. reagan_martin @ sbcglobal.net (minus the spaces).