A Candid Look

I ran across something very interesting.

I mentioned previously about packing up my "memory" chest.  What I ran across is actually something I believe the hand of God placed in that chest supernaturally.  If you have read my story you might remember me mentioning that I threw away all my journals from before I became a Christian.  I'm not sure if these papers fell out of something or if they were just tucked away in between books but as I was pulling everything out, a stack of papers, folded in half fell out onto the floor of the chest.  It was clearly a handful of papers that had been torn from a spiral bound notebook because the tattered edges remained.

My life before I knew the Lord.  That is what lay in my hands.

It was not pretty.  Gut wrenching actually.

This was for real.  This was not some fiction novel I was writing.  These were my feelings, raw & uncensored.

I want to share some of what I found with you.  I think it's important for people to see inside the head of a teenage girl who grew up in a great family but didn't know the Lord.  Just consider as you read this that someone you might know might be feeling the very same way.  Don't forget that you never really know what is going on with someone.  Don't forget that you have an opportunity to make a difference in someone's life.



*I am posting what was written in my journal & sometimes my language is foul.  I apologize ahead of time but I didn't want to leave it out because I feel that it would take away from the reality of the situation.*

Jan 31, 1999




I don't know what to do, or what to think.  Just tonight (my boyfriend) & I got into a semi-fight because I had one of my little self-esteem fits again.  He doesn't understand so I just pretend like nothing's wrong.  It's so hard.  I can't decide if it's (my boyfriend) or the fact that I'm so f**cked up!  It just seems to trigger when I'm with him because I'm not as pretty or "mature" as everyone else.  He pulls that sh*t on me all the time! I really don't know what it is that makes me feel like sh*t, but every time we go out, that is how I feel on the way home!  I feel like I am always having to compete against someone or something.  I don't know.  I thought maybe joining a church, reading the bible would give me something to fit into, but I just feel like an outcast there also.  It's like if I kill myself I'm hurting all these other people & I don't want that.  I would never want anyone to be hurt because of my actions.  So what is the answer?  Going on with the rest of my life being constantly depressed, worrying about everything, being treated like sh*t, not being anything in life but taking up space.  Nothing is ever right for me, I don't know what would make things change anytime soon.  I don't even know what I want because I don't know what it is you have to have to feel special.  I wish I could forget about everything & have fun in life, but it's just not that easy.  I'm too busy worrying about pleasing everybody else to worry about myself.  I don't know what it is that all those other girls have, but I wish I could borrow some.  I'll never be pretty enough, skinny enough, rich enough, anything.  So what is it I am supposed to do to build up this self esteem thing?  I don't have anything to strive for, I'm not good enough at anything to be somebody.  It's so hard for people to understand how I feel, but what am I supposed to do?  It's easy to pretend nothing is wrong because I do it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  So when does the time come that I don't have to pretend anymore?



And there it is people.  I'm not saying that every teenage girl feels this way.  I just wanted to share who I was.  There is a VAST difference in who I am today & it is only because of the Lord.  The darkness you feel here is not a short period of depression.....this was my life.....& the only thing that changed was Christ coming into my heart.  Does this give you a desire to share his goodness?  It certainly does me.  I don't share Him enough.  He transformed my life!



This was right around the time of the entries.  Do I look like I have anything to worry about?  Boy what I would give to look like that again!

There was one more entry that I found quite interesting.

My brain feels like a brain on drugs.  I remember VERY little.  I have a difficult time remembering to get my daughter something to drink when she has asked me only 5 minutes earlier so the rest of my life is pretty much a blur.  I have often wondered what I thought of God before I knew him.  I wondered if I even thought about it or what I thought about the "Christians" at school or if I even gave it all a second thought.  This entry answered some of those questions, at least at this point in my life.  As you will see, this was 9 months later & I was still struggling with the same things.

October 15, 1999


I wish I knew how to have all the confidence in the world.  I envy Shelby so much sometimes.  She is so confident in herself.  There is no one that could break her down.  I just don't understand!  I don't know how to have that.  People that are confident in themselves do not understand what it's like to be someone like me.  They take for granted that they are happy with their life.  The worst part about the whole things is, I am terrified to have children.  What if they turn out to have the same problems I do?  Those poor babies, I could never wish it upon anyone.  I think it has to be worse than being blind or deaf, or having cancer, because at least those people care if they live or die!  The have something to look forward to even after they die, & what do I have?  I don't have any idea, because I am completely uneducated in religion!  Do you go anywhere if you don't know if you believe?  I'm sure that question will remain unanswered because no matter how many times I have tried, have asked, have wanted to learn, it just hasn't happened.  How are you supposed to believe when you don't know how?  How are you supposed to ask for help when you don't know how to pray?  It's so amazing all the things that are running through my head.  It seems like I go through the same thoughts & questions day after day.

It's obvious that I wrestled with the bigger questions about life but I always came up empty handed.  I think the term "lost" for those who aren't saved is a perfect description.  I was LOST.  It wasn't that I didn't want to find my way, I did....desperately.  It was simply that I didn't know which way to turn or where to look.  Thankfully a little over a year later the Lord CHASED ME DOWN! 

I honestly feel like the Lord kept telling me to post this.  My flesh did not want people to see this part of me....even if it was a long time ago.  I believe that someone needed to read this.  If that someone was you, please feel free to contact me.  reagan_martin @ sbcglobal.net (minus the spaces).