Saturday, January 31, 2009

Change

Well, nothing is officially different at this point but things just aren't the same. Being a working Mom of two is going to be a change. If you don't know me well, you might not know that I have a difficult time with change. It's true. I like routine; to know what lies ahead. The prospective is daunting!

Because I serve a good and mighty God who loves me, I know that everything will be OK! (unfortunately that doesn't make it easy)

I will most likely be returning to work on Wednesday. I am working the front desk at the Grapevine Pain Center. I think I am going to really enjoy my job and my co-workers seem like they are WONDERFUL; so I am excited about that!

I honestly don't think I can put into words what the past two weeks have been like for me emotionally. It has been a whirlwind of getting things in order and preparing my heart for letting my children go.

You might say that things have been overwhelming and stressful for this stay-at-home-mom. I have had to jump through all the hoops to get the paperwork and junk done for the position so that it would be ready ASAP and I can get started. I have had to find affordable childcare for both of the kiddos, which has been no small feat. After finding the childcare, I have had to gather all the things the kiddos will need and get through all the childcare paperwork, immunization records....blah blah blah.

I am only beginning to get a feel for this working Mom of two mess.

Life is about to be very different. I HATE to feel rushed and I am beginning to get a glimpse of the rush of the mornings.....trying to get myself and two kiddos ready for the day, to leave the house by 6:45....wowzer! This will be a DRASTIC change. Josh isn't home to help so I will have to be extremely organized and prepare well the night before to make it out on time!

This is going to a big change for Josh as well. He is accustomed to us being home any time he is. If he gets home early, we are there. If leaves later on Monday, we are there. He has really enjoyed being able to be home with the kids when he has spare time. We also would take the occasional spontaneous trip with him, but that will be no more. I think this will take some adjusting for all of us.

We found what we think is going to be an AWESOME solution to our childcare! This has most certainly been the stressful, overwhelming and emotional part of the whole adventure. Having been home with Samara for 2 1/2 years has caused me to feel as if I am abandoning her (more on that in a bit) and I wasn't willing to settle (plus I knew that God had a PERFECT solution). We are sending Samara to Preschool Enrichment (PSE) in North Richland Hills. The other options were either way out of our price range or just plain depressing. PSE is a preschool that is founded on Christian principles. They start the day with God, end the day with God and worship Him through song and study throughout the day! So exciting that they can intertwine God and solid education. This Preschool came highly recommended and we feel SUPER comfortable with it! (BTW, thank you so much to all who recommended somewhere or someone......I know we are all in this together as mothers and I couldn't do this without my AWESOME friends.....thank you sisters!)

Unfortunately they don't take children until they are walking! Welllll, that left Spence unattended to. I had to come up with an alternative because we really felt that God led us to PSE for Samara. There was an in-home care not 5 minutes from PSE that I looked into but the more I thought through the that, the less peace I felt. Because it would only be approximately 5 months before Spence could move to PSE, I felt lead to ask Dawn if she would keep Spence until then. God is so good. She had already been praying about it and I hadn't even asked her yet. She gave it some more thought and prayer and discussed it with Cole and agreed to watch him! Hallelujah!

I could not feel more comfortable with someone watching my little guy. Dawn and I have so many of the same parenting philosophies and everything just feels right. This may sound stupid to some of you but I was so worried about him not being rocked to sleep. From day 1 I have rocked him to sleep. It was a conscious decision I made. I love that time I have with my kiddos. Weening him from that in a matter of days was looking pretty impossible. Dawn will rock him to sleep! YIPEE! Seriously......that may sound petty to you but I know that taking that away from him and his mother all at the same time would have to hurt his heart, which in turn would have broken mine! She already loves the little guy to pieces and that means more than ANYTHING else! Thank you Dawn.....I know you are sacrificing alot but it makes my heart smile!

So, now it's just a matter of transitioning the kiddos to the their new environment and me to a new way of life.

I worry about so many things.......

Will Sam think that I don't love her and that's why I am sending her away?
Will Samara and I and Spencer and I still have a wonderful relationship?
Will the kids still become best buds even though they aren't around each other all day?
Will Spencer suffer emotionally because his mother isn't there for him at such an important time in his life?
Will the people at the preschool make Samara feel loved?
How will it make Sam feel when she gets in trouble there for things that I allowed her to do at home?
Will she feel like a bad kid if she is constantly being corrected because she isn't following their rules?
How will she adjust to eating, drinking, pottying, and sleeping completely different than she has done for the past 2 1/2 years?
When she throws a fit, will they understand that she is just hurting or will they be annoyed and just label her as a bad kid?
Will they see what a wonderful heart she has or will they just see her as another kid that won't follow the rules?
Will they enjoy and laugh at her little quirks....or will they just annoy them?
Will they see her gifts and pursue them or will she be just another kid that stands in line and learns the ABC's?
Will there be someone to cuddle with her if she just needs a little lovin'.......or is it going to be strictly about learning and following rules?
Will she get to play with her friends or just learn alongside them?

I honestly feel like her life is going to be turned upside down and I am the cause of the hurt and pain that it will accompany it! It breaks my heart. I can't even sit here and write this without tears streaming down my face!

I want her to LOVE it. I want her to want to go back everyday. I want her to be excited about learning and playing with her friends. I want her to be happy!

There are so many other questions. Are these unreasonable thoughts/questions? Am I just a freak? Am I one of those Moms?

This is very possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I honestly feel like this is what God wants for us and I know that His plan is perfect. I am pretty sure this is one of the only times, if not THE only time that I have had zero control over my emotions. When we went to visit the preschool for the second time, I couldn't seem to get it together......so unlike me. I do NOT like to cry in front of others so to not be able to get ahold of myself in front of STRANGERS what quite embarrassing. Thankfully the staff understands because they too are also mothers!

I realize this may all seem a bit dramatic to some of you but this is how I feel.

Please pray for the transition!

2 comments:

Jenna and Mosin Haider said...

Aww, I'll be praying for you and the kids. Here's what I think...you think too much! LOL, but I do too, so I know where you are coming from. A lot of the same fears you are having with Sam I have been having since Zoey started preschool. She was home with me for 4 1/2 years! All she knew was me. But guess what...SHE LOVES SCHOOL!!! AND, she loves when I get there to pick her up. Our entire car ride home is her talking about her day and her "new friends." I highly think that everything happens for a reason and God has a plan for this. Good luck with all the changes!! We're moving next week, so we've got a ton of changes as well about to happen!

Amanda Watts said...

I completely understand Reagan! I've felt for a long time like I am the only mom in my world who has to work, seems everyone I know stays home. It was definitely hard to go back to work after maternity leave, I have always just wanted to stay home. It gets easier, and surprisingly, it's kind of a nice break sometimes! Which of course you then feel guilty about :) I'll keep you in my prayers in the upcoming days. I know it's hard and I did my fair share of crying over it. I paid my daycare deposit at the first place and just walked out bawling! Fortunately, I think they see moms leave crying frequently after dropping their kids off those first few times. Enjoy your new job!

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