Throwin' a Fit!

Captured these pics of Spence throwing a fit & thought they were priceless!

And I have to explain this next one. Here he is rarin' back to hit whatever gets in his path....usually whoever he is upset with (including Josh & I). This is like his threat pose. When he raises his arm like this Samara goes running. We are having to work on him getting that arm down! Such a little stinker!

The Chair

When Spencer turned 1 (June 23) there wasn't anything we could think of to get him so my Mom just got him a visa gift card. We figured there would be something he would want soon enough. We finally decided on something and got it this weekend.

When he was staying at Dawn's, he loved to play in Connor's little upholstered chair. Sam has an Elmo chair at the house that he never seemed interested in......until recently. For the past week or so they have been fighting over who gets to sit in that chair so we figured it was time to get him one of his own.

Babies 'R Us was having a big sale so we went yesterday and got him a little upholstered "Cars" chair. We figured picking out another red chair would limit the fighting over who got what chair.

When we got home, it was time for a nap but my napper was NOT interested. He was SO excited about his new chair. He just kept going over and sitting down in it. It was so cute!

Here it is fresh out of the bag (of course Sam had to put hers right next to his and sit with him)

And here is Sissy showing him the cool car on the back!

And here he is being so proud! (I was so upset that this one turned out blurry)

And for those of you who are asking why I was out running errands........we just went in, got the chair and left. :)

Big Boy Haircut!

My Little Man got a big boy haircut. It's crazy how grown up he looks now. He did pretty good for his first time. They put on the movie "Cars" and he was glued to the TV. The clippers bothered him a couple of times but he did really well and we were outta there quickly!

BEFORE

AFTER

I took him to Cool Cuts 4 Kids. I'm glad I took him there for the first time since she was accustomed to working with kiddos and was super quick and patient but I won't be going back. They are ridiculously expensive and dirty.

Here is his only little freak-out! (isn't it cute)

Change

Well, nothing is officially different at this point but things just aren't the same. Being a working Mom of two is going to be a change. If you don't know me well, you might not know that I have a difficult time with change. It's true. I like routine; to know what lies ahead. The prospective is daunting!

Because I serve a good and mighty God who loves me, I know that everything will be OK! (unfortunately that doesn't make it easy)

I will most likely be returning to work on Wednesday. I am working the front desk at the Grapevine Pain Center. I think I am going to really enjoy my job and my co-workers seem like they are WONDERFUL; so I am excited about that!

I honestly don't think I can put into words what the past two weeks have been like for me emotionally. It has been a whirlwind of getting things in order and preparing my heart for letting my children go.

You might say that things have been overwhelming and stressful for this stay-at-home-mom. I have had to jump through all the hoops to get the paperwork and junk done for the position so that it would be ready ASAP and I can get started. I have had to find affordable childcare for both of the kiddos, which has been no small feat. After finding the childcare, I have had to gather all the things the kiddos will need and get through all the childcare paperwork, immunization records....blah blah blah.

I am only beginning to get a feel for this working Mom of two mess.

Life is about to be very different. I HATE to feel rushed and I am beginning to get a glimpse of the rush of the mornings.....trying to get myself and two kiddos ready for the day, to leave the house by 6:45....wowzer! This will be a DRASTIC change. Josh isn't home to help so I will have to be extremely organized and prepare well the night before to make it out on time!

This is going to a big change for Josh as well. He is accustomed to us being home any time he is. If he gets home early, we are there. If leaves later on Monday, we are there. He has really enjoyed being able to be home with the kids when he has spare time. We also would take the occasional spontaneous trip with him, but that will be no more. I think this will take some adjusting for all of us.

We found what we think is going to be an AWESOME solution to our childcare! This has most certainly been the stressful, overwhelming and emotional part of the whole adventure. Having been home with Samara for 2 1/2 years has caused me to feel as if I am abandoning her (more on that in a bit) and I wasn't willing to settle (plus I knew that God had a PERFECT solution). We are sending Samara to Preschool Enrichment (PSE) in North Richland Hills. The other options were either way out of our price range or just plain depressing. PSE is a preschool that is founded on Christian principles. They start the day with God, end the day with God and worship Him through song and study throughout the day! So exciting that they can intertwine God and solid education. This Preschool came highly recommended and we feel SUPER comfortable with it! (BTW, thank you so much to all who recommended somewhere or someone......I know we are all in this together as mothers and I couldn't do this without my AWESOME friends.....thank you sisters!)

Unfortunately they don't take children until they are walking! Welllll, that left Spence unattended to. I had to come up with an alternative because we really felt that God led us to PSE for Samara. There was an in-home care not 5 minutes from PSE that I looked into but the more I thought through the that, the less peace I felt. Because it would only be approximately 5 months before Spence could move to PSE, I felt lead to ask Dawn if she would keep Spence until then. God is so good. She had already been praying about it and I hadn't even asked her yet. She gave it some more thought and prayer and discussed it with Cole and agreed to watch him! Hallelujah!

I could not feel more comfortable with someone watching my little guy. Dawn and I have so many of the same parenting philosophies and everything just feels right. This may sound stupid to some of you but I was so worried about him not being rocked to sleep. From day 1 I have rocked him to sleep. It was a conscious decision I made. I love that time I have with my kiddos. Weening him from that in a matter of days was looking pretty impossible. Dawn will rock him to sleep! YIPEE! Seriously......that may sound petty to you but I know that taking that away from him and his mother all at the same time would have to hurt his heart, which in turn would have broken mine! She already loves the little guy to pieces and that means more than ANYTHING else! Thank you Dawn.....I know you are sacrificing alot but it makes my heart smile!

So, now it's just a matter of transitioning the kiddos to the their new environment and me to a new way of life.

I worry about so many things.......

Will Sam think that I don't love her and that's why I am sending her away?
Will Samara and I and Spencer and I still have a wonderful relationship?
Will the kids still become best buds even though they aren't around each other all day?
Will Spencer suffer emotionally because his mother isn't there for him at such an important time in his life?
Will the people at the preschool make Samara feel loved?
How will it make Sam feel when she gets in trouble there for things that I allowed her to do at home?
Will she feel like a bad kid if she is constantly being corrected because she isn't following their rules?
How will she adjust to eating, drinking, pottying, and sleeping completely different than she has done for the past 2 1/2 years?
When she throws a fit, will they understand that she is just hurting or will they be annoyed and just label her as a bad kid?
Will they see what a wonderful heart she has or will they just see her as another kid that won't follow the rules?
Will they enjoy and laugh at her little quirks....or will they just annoy them?
Will they see her gifts and pursue them or will she be just another kid that stands in line and learns the ABC's?
Will there be someone to cuddle with her if she just needs a little lovin'.......or is it going to be strictly about learning and following rules?
Will she get to play with her friends or just learn alongside them?

I honestly feel like her life is going to be turned upside down and I am the cause of the hurt and pain that it will accompany it! It breaks my heart. I can't even sit here and write this without tears streaming down my face!

I want her to LOVE it. I want her to want to go back everyday. I want her to be excited about learning and playing with her friends. I want her to be happy!

There are so many other questions. Are these unreasonable thoughts/questions? Am I just a freak? Am I one of those Moms?

This is very possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I honestly feel like this is what God wants for us and I know that His plan is perfect. I am pretty sure this is one of the only times, if not THE only time that I have had zero control over my emotions. When we went to visit the preschool for the second time, I couldn't seem to get it together......so unlike me. I do NOT like to cry in front of others so to not be able to get ahold of myself in front of STRANGERS what quite embarrassing. Thankfully the staff understands because they too are also mothers!

I realize this may all seem a bit dramatic to some of you but this is how I feel.

Please pray for the transition!

Very Possibly the Most Terrifying Moment of My Life!

Whew.....yesterday was rough. It was wonderful day with family but we noticed Samara seemed like she wasn't feeling well once we got to Mom's and she started playing (though she seemed fine in the morning). I thought.....surely not.....she's only been off her antibiotics (for an ear infection) for a couple of days.....she couldn't possibly be sick again. Silly assumption. When she started "acting" sick.....you know....the whine about everything, every little thing is a huge deal stuff, and I said something about it, Mom mentioned that she looked like she didn't feel good to her.

On the way out the door to head to Joey's for the Martin Thanksgiving I felt Samara and she was BURNING up. UGH! We got to Joey's and immediately took her temperature....101.7. (Sorry Karen.....I had NO idea) She wouldn't even get down to play with Levi. She just wanted one of us to hold her and moaned and groaned. Poor baby. We gave her some Motrin and she perked up. The Motrin was still working when we got home so we will see what she feels like when she gets up this morning.

And on to the story......

So, last night we got home about 9:00 which was WAY past Sam's bedtime and time for Spencer to eat. Josh got Samara all ready and I got Spencer's bottle ready. Josh tried to put Sam to sleep but she wanted to rock (that's her thing when she's tired) so Josh took her into the living room to rock her for a bit. After getting Spencer's bottle ready I headed back to our bedroom. I typically feed him on our bed. I sat him on the bed and put the bottle down beside him. He wasn't screaming for it yet so I thought, "I'm going to change clothes and take out my contacts (which were killing me)." I made sure he was up there good, pulled the pillow around to kind of guard him and headed to the bathroom to change.

As I was putting my night shirt on I heard this awful crack sound. I knew . I RAN.....I mean bolted around the corner to find Spencer on the floor next to my bed. I screamed bloody murder, I mean a blood curdling scream.....no tears, I just kept screaming as I scooped him up and started crying out to God. I ran toward the living room.....frantic and screaming. Of course, Josh met me halfway, bolting around the corner into the hallway....."what, what, what?"

"HE FELL OFF THE BED!"

I honestly hadn't even stopped long enough to assess the damage. I knew he wasn't bleeding but I didn't know anything else. Meeting up with Josh allowed me to slow down and take a look. I was so afraid of what I would find. He seemed fine and I was able to calm him down. I just sat there and rocked him and cried. I felt like we should take him to the emergency clinic or SOMETHING but Josh just kept saying, "he's fine Reagan, he's fine."

You need to understand that we have stained CONCRETE floors. When I heard the crack I just knew things were going to be bad. Once I had him calmed down and was able to go back to get his bottle I realized that it was the bottle that had made the spine tingling crack, not his head. After the heat of the moment and I went through the situation in my head again, I'm not sure he was even crying when I found him on the floor. I have this book pocket that slips in between my mattress and box spring. Yesterday morning I noticed it had fallen out and onto the floor. We were in a hurry to leave so I didn't bother putting it back. When I snatched Spencer up, he was lying on that.....a cushion, if you will. After replaying the situation, all I can do is praise God for his protection. That 12" spot was the ONLY area that had anything for him to fall on besides the hard floor.

I think I scared him more by my screaming than the actual fall. I freaked Josh and Samara out beyond belief as well. She kept crying and saying, "Mommy hurt, Bubba hurt," over and over. Needless to say that it took some work on Josh's part to get her calmed down and into bed.

I just cried.....and cried.....and cried. I was so ashamed at myself.......how stupid! All I can figure is that he was trying to get that bottle and it was rolling, so he was chasing it.....right off the bed.

While I realize he is fine, that was so incredibly terrifying! I freaked people. It scares me. It makes me nervous that I can't seem to do anything when my child is hurt. My Mom has told me before, "You've got to get it together Reagan. You have to be able to take care of your kids if they get hurt; you can't just freeze up." And look what I did!

It was a bad night.

How in the world did this all get started?

Monday- March 31- 26 Weeks 5 Days

I was experiencing severe pain in my lower abdomin which had been progressively getting worse for a few days. I suppose Josh had enough of my grunting and groaning and made me call the doc. I got word about 2pm that they wanted me to head up to the hospital to be monitored just to make sure the pain wasn't from preterm labor. I didn't even know where I was going because I hadn't had the "tour" at this hospital yet! Strangely I had just talked this over with Dawn on Sunday, who also delivered at HEB. She had given me a good idea of where it was, so I was able to figure it out.

Samara was asleep when I needed to scoot so I went up there alone while Josh waited for her to wake up. Coincidentally Mom was already at the hospital because of Papaw, so she met me down there. I got checked in and hooked up to the monitor.....which didn't seem to be showing anything. The doctor had ordered an FFN test, which detects a protein that is released in the beginning stages of labor, just to be safe. The test is really confusing so if you are interested you can check it out at http://www.fullterm.net/.

We were sure that they would monitor me until they got the test results back and then send me home. That never happened. Thankfully Josh came up with Sam and Mom took her home so we didn't have to worry about her. After what seemed like forever the nurse came in with a wheelchair and informed me that my FFN test had come back positive and that I was going to have to stay the night in the hospital so that I could see the paranatologist the following day.

Wow, what a blow. Honestly we were just confused. No one told us anything. We didn't know what it meant for us to have this test come back positive! I, of course was dying for more info and I think Josh was just in shock. Josh went home to get some necessities, which of course included my computer. Once he came back I was able to do a little research online for this test and what I found out was NOTHING! It seemed that only the negative test was conclusive. The positive test meant something different for each individual.....AAAHHH!!!!

And the waiting began.....which Josh, nor I do very well. It was a time of keeping ourselves busy and relying on the only thing reliable at that point.....the Lord.

Tuesday- April 1- 26 weeks 6 days

Lots of waiting and lots of calls letting people know what was going on.

The on-call doctor from my OB's office came in and talked with me. She was very informative and made me feel a little less lost, though her news was NOT what I wanted to hear. She was able to tell me that the paranatologist was going to be in charge of my "management plan". She said it would either be bed rest at home or bed rest in the hospital......not quite the choices I was expecting since I was up and running around like normal just yesterday.

I spent most of the day going back and forth between denial and figuring out what being on bed rest was really going to mean......mostly, who was going to take care of Samara and how her and I are going to deal with being apart after having spent the past 9 months with one another basically 24/7. The offers to watch her have been overwhelming and I am so grateful for each and every one. She is very comfortable at Mom's......has her own bed and lots of toys, so she is there right now and doing good.

The doctor was supposed to be here today. Didn't show. Josh was sooo disappointed, knowing he was going to have to leave out on business early tomorrow morning.

Wednesday- April 2- 27 weeks

5am- Josh woke up early and headed out. I couldn't go back to sleep......too anxious about what I was going to find out. Spent some time with the Lord awaiting the arrival of the doctor.

8am- The doc showed! The baby looked great.....my cervix was still long, which is what we wanted........but there was some funneling at the top of my cervix and he was able to see me having a contraction. Apparently those were not good things. Soooo, he said they would do the FFN test again either tomorrow or Friday and depending upon the results of that test he would be able to tell me what the future holds. He will be back in on Saturday and will do another sono. He said that if the FFN results came back negative that he would likely send me home as long as he could be certain that I would do NOTHING. If the test comes back positive I will be in the hospital for the duration of the pregnancy.

So here goes the waiting game all over again.....I suppose that is what I can expect until I have him......get used to it girl!!!!!

Visitors galore today! Thank you everyone for your love. I am so grateful for this amazing surrounding of love, support and prayers! I don't think I will have to worry too much about being lonely.....even with Josh gone.

Mom & Dad brought Sam up tonight. I miss her sooo much. She was mad at me and didn't really want to have anything to do with me. I understand.....this must be very difficult for her. I could easily have let it really hurt my feelings but I know that she must be so confused. I am just sad for her and sad because I miss her so much. I pray for her all the time but honestly I am not quite sure what to pray for......comfort, peace, all of that, yeah.....but mostly I suppose I just want her to know that I still love her just as much.....that I am not mad at her and that I didn't send her away. I want her little mind to understand.....to feel God's love like a covering. I am certain that God will provide whatever she needs. This will probably be a good lesson in independence for both of us.

While this is all very hard, the Lord was able to put this all in perspective when my dad sent me this link http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jordanflint which tells the story of the 3 year old daughter of one of my lifelong family friends who has leukemia. I cannot fathom seeing my baby go through all that Jordan has. Please pray for them.